WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

i have always wanted to be barefoot and pregnant.  when i was younger i imagined the grown-up version of myself standing in the doorway of my home wearing a sheer white gown that fanned and fluttered over my billowing belly in the breeze as i stood barefoot looking out over pastures filled with grazing horses.  (obviously i must have seen this in a movie because the detail in my mind of this event is impeccable).  

when asked what do you want to be when you grow up? my response as a child alternated between an author and a mom.   responding with "a mom" is cute for a kid to say, but once you pass the age of fifteen (or maybe sooner than that) you start getting the look no really, what do you want to do? so suddenly there was no more throwing out the "i want to be a mom" retort with reckless abandon and my response changed to a writer. then when i realized that i needed major connections to work at glamour or vogue (my idea of a writer back then) my response changed to i don't know and the question began to cause angst and dread about what would become of my future.

because deep down in my heart, in a place that i tucked away at when i started getting those skeptical looks and kept hidden from everyone around me, what i wanted to be most of all when i grew up was a mother.  but why did i have to hide this away?  why is there such a stigma around being a stay-at-home mom?  why wasn't i "allowed" to choose a wife and stay-at-home mom as my answer to what i wanted to be when i grew up because motherhood (and fatherhood and parenthood) is in fact a full-time job.

my younger self was envious of women in the fifties that were expected to stay home.  i was resentful that those women were banned from working and had to stay home with their children because i didn't have a desire to climb the corporate ladder.  i was jealous that those women got to do what i wanted to do most of all without any questions asked.  i am embarrassed to even say that i thought this because obviously i would not want to be told by anyone that i couldn't work if i wanted to or that i had to stay home and had no choice around it, but if the women's movement was all about a woman's right to choose what she wanted to do, why was my desired "profession" completely ousted.

i am grateful for the years that i worked in the corporate world for they have taught me invaluable life lessons and things about myself that i would not have been able to learn elsewhere, but i hated every single second of every job that i ever had.  throughout my career, i always felt like something was lacking in my life and i continually strived to fill that void in my life: a new city, a new job, more money, a new house, etc.  yet regardless of how many changes i made, nothing ever eliminated the notion that something was missing and i was left wanting, yearning, searching, and chasing.  and then holden arrived.  and he was all i ever wanted.  out of that covert corner of my heart, intentions and desires that had been concealed and buried years earlier were suddenly unveiled and i remembered what i wanted most of all was to be a mother.  as corny as it may sound, i finally feel fulfilled and although my new job is harder than any other job i've had, i love every single second of it.

ACTING LIKE A KID AGAIN.

becoming a parent is an interesting thing.  on one hand you become a responsible adult, selflessly devoting yourself to this tiny human being who you would die for, and on the other hand you become a kid again whizzing down slides, flying high on swings, hanging on the jungle gym, building and destroying sandcastles, blowing bubbles, splashing in puddles, talking in funny voices, peek-a-booing, playing make believe with stuffed animals, singing lullabies and silly rhymes, and listening and memorizing every Raffi song known to man.

before holden arrived, i couldn't tell you the last time i spent my afternoon at the playground, but now I spend a portion of each and every day playing at one.  my days are filled entertaining, being silly, smiling, laughing, acting childish and nonsensical.  most of the time I don't feel like a real adult. i feel young, free-spirited, and innocent.

with gloom looming in the not too distant future, we tried to spend as much time outdoors as possible the past couple of days knowing that this week would bring hours of indoor play and some definite cabin fever.  we ran around giggling manically and goofing around with our shoes off, burying our feet in the sand and letting the grass tickle our toes reveling in the fact that sometimes it feels good to just act like a kid again.  

FAMILY STYLE.

mama wore: urban outfitters dress, h&m lace tank, target boots, f21 necklace.  dada wore: RVCA shirt, lrg jeans, vans shoes.  little man wore: quiksilver sweater and pants, trumpette socks.

SECOND TOOTH

The second tooth popped up last Sunday (it took me a few days to actually capture it) and we think that another one is about to break through on the top.  Although I absolutely LOVED his gummy smile, these two bottom teeth couldn't be cuter.

LONG-TERM BREASTFEEDING?

Sometimes I get worked up over little things.  Things that will usually work themselves out in the future and shouldn't be an issue in the present moment, but these things take hold of me, a strong & steady grip that I can't shake, paralyzing me with worry, fear, and anxiety.  These things cause irrational reasoning so that no one else can give me their opinion if it differs from mine because I won't be able to rationalize with them.  Right now, this thing is breastfeeding.  I'm not anywhere near ready to wean Holden from breastfeeding.  And knowing how fast this past six months has flown by, I'm not sure I'll be quite ready in another short six months.

We only just started Holden on solids, but I can't get the thought out of my mind that by starting solids, it is the beginning to the end of breastfeeding.  Just thinking about no more breastfeeding causes tears to gently fall down my cheeks and my stomach to tie up in in knots of apprehension.  I feel like a child that just wants to say "no!" and then get her way.  It makes me want to have a temper tantrum, to throw myself on the floor, kicking my legs, flailing my arms, and screaming at the top of my lungs "I won't do it."  Why does the end of breastfeeding cause such an adverse reaction deep in my gut?  Although I always planned to nurse, I never anticipating feeling such emotional fulfillment and attachment through breastfeeding.  

From the start, Holden knew what to do.  I was a little unsure, but Holden taught and I listened.  We were in sync immediately.   There was something about watching him latch on with utter dependence knowing that I was the only one able fulfill his needs that resonated deep within me.     After nourishing him for 39 weeks as he grew inside my womb, my body was continuing to give him the gift of life, continuing to nourish him as he grew outside the womb and the entire process had me captivated in amazement.  He needed me and I was able to fulfill that need.  It is as if my entire being was made for this (which I guess it is).

Although we spend a lot of time together and share a lot of special moments, breastfeeding is a sacred time for us.  Breastfeeding has become our quiet place together.  No matter where we are in the world, regardless of who or how many people are around us, despite how we may be feeling beforehand, when we stop to breastfeed, the world slows down for a moment becoming a blur of movement surrounding us as a peace resides over us.  We reconnect with each other and disconnect from the surrounding world.  I never watch TV, I never check or talk on my phone, and I never get on the computer when breastfeeding because from the very start I've always wanted this time to be sacred between us.  I always wanted Holden to get 100% of me during these time because from the very start, I knew that this time would go by way too fast.

Tonight as I rocked Holden to sleep, I watched him latch on, pulling him against me as his eyes rolled back immediately, completely soothed, comforted and at home.  I rested my lips on the top of his head looking down at the baby curled up against my stomach seemingly reassuming the position he was in inside the womb and it almost felt like he had never left, that we were one body again.  I think that's what I love most of all.

CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY

All day as Dustin sits behind a desk staring at a computer screen, the only thought on his mind is Holden and the willpower needed to stop him from walking out the door of his office and in the door to his home.  All day I text pictures showing him what we're doing and all the cute little things taht Holden is doing, letting him get a glimpse into our day-to-day activities each photo illustrating the stark contrast between our day and his.  He misses Holden so much when he's away and although I know that the photos help him get through his day, sometimes I wonder...does it make his longing worse?

Each evening as the sun begins to set, Dustin battles stop and go traffic for an hour, his vision blurring with brake lights as he races to make it home before bedtime.  Most nights Dustin walks in the door just in time to give Holden a hug and snuggle before the little man closes his eyes for the night.  On the nights that Dustin doesn't make it in time, he enters the dark room defeated, leaning over to kiss the forehead of his sleeping son who he yearns to be with all day long.  When Dustin can leave work a little early, Holden is ecstatic.  I sit happily on the sidelines watching the two of them together like two little boys, Dustin playing peek-a-boo and popping up from every corner of the room, Holden giggling and squealing in delight, both of them in pure bliss.  But even the days that Dustin is able to leave a little early, the most time he gets with Holden is 30 minutes.  just 30 minutes.

Sometimes I wonder if Dustin is getting cheated out of the whole situation, out of being a parent.  I know that someone has to work and we are lucky that at least one of us is able to stay at home with Holden (because a lot of people do not have that option), but what if I want something different for my family. What if I want to do something that enables both of us to stay at home, a job that enables us to have a flexible schedule so that Holden grows up with both parents, each of us not missing a beat of his life, not missing all of his firsts, sharing each moment together.  I love every second that I spend with Holden, but I also want to share these moments with Dustin who can relate and relish in the little things with me.  Holden is such a different boy when the three of us are all together, happier and more content.  We all are.

ON THE OPEN ROAD

Over the weekend we inherited a vintage Cadillac.  Not exactly sure what to do with this random surprise as we already own two new cars and a vespa, but I'm sure we can find a use for it.  The rusty red color of the car immediately brings visions of the desert and has me dreaming of drive-in movies, an open freeway in the middle of nowhere, parking at a lookout point and necking under a star studded sky, sipping lemonade under a giant sun hat at the Parker in Palm Springs, and sitting on the hood under a blazing sky of orange and crimson.

There's something about the temperature rising that automatically raises your happiness level with it.   The weather couldn't have been more perfect this weekend, reminding me of those hot summer days of which you spend the entirety outside toasting your skin in the sun until you suddenly realize that the sun is no longer up, zipping into a hoodie over your barely-there summer clothes as dusk begins to fall and despite the nighttime chill, you romp around the night in your daytime clothes...(except we don't stay out after sundown anymore so this scenario may no longer apply).

I threw on this tribal/ikat shift dress that I love for the fact that it feels as though I'm wearing nothing at all (I spent much of pregnancy lazing about in it for this reason).  The dude shirt may be my most favorite item of clothing in the little man's closet.  Super soft and super thin, it's Holden's equivalent to my not-wearing-anything dress.  We frolicked through the afternoon before parking ourselves on the hood of the car to watch the sun fall from the sky.