A WEEKEND WITHOUT HIM.

this weekend, dustin went to san diego for a guys golf weekend (my present for his bday) and i missed him horribly.  each week i look forward to the weekend, sometimes counting down the sleeps we have left until we get to spend together as a family.  although holden and i spent saturday lazing around a pool with a bunch of my friends and spent the entire day on sunday with my mom at a really awesome park in berkeley, there was a sort of emptiness to the weekend, knowing that each special moment that happened i wanted to be sharing with dustin.  waking up this morning to realize that we had another five days before we could spend the day as a family was pretty depressing and regardless of how much fun we all had over the weekend, i think we felt a little cheated out of time.

on sunday, i discovered an amazing park, tilden park, with my mom.  it's located in the berkeley hills and has a steam engine, a merry-go-round, a petting zoo, a few lakes, and a bunch of places to picnic and hike.  holden loves animals.  on a daily basis, we read tons of animal books, make a lot of animal noises, and listen to silly songs about animals, so the animal farm was the perfect place to take him.  he was entranced at the animal farm, mouth gaping in amazement and crying each time i turned him away from one animal to go explore another park of the farm.

CAREFREE SUMMER DAYS HAVE ARRIVED.

during holden's nap on sunday morning, dustin ran out to buy a baby pool and a naked baby with skin untouched by the sun spent the afternoon splashing around in our front yard.  and it felt like the carefree days of summer arrived, where life is all about good things and the days are long and innocent. 


love this description of summer and thought i'd share.

THANKFUL.

yesterday i met a woman at a park who was chasing around her 2.5 year old son while her 4.5 month old baby girl was lounging in her car seat.  looking at her 4.5 month old daughter, i couldn't even recall when holden was that small and that still, i couldn't remember the time when he would lay there docily just exploring the world with his eyes (perhaps because he never was that still, he was always a baby that was on the move).  i told the woman this and she said yes it all goes by so fast and you can't slow it down.  she was quitting her job at the end of june because she felt she had missed out on so much of her son's life, that she had missed so many of his firsts, and that she would never get that back.  she told me that she didn't want to make that same mistake, regretting the same things with her new baby daughter.  and i felt thankful for this stranger reminding me how lucky i am.   thankful that i get to spend each waking minute with holden.  thankful that i haven't missed a moment yet.

last night, a light breeze filled with the spirit of summer drifted in through our open screen doors and when holden woke up for a night feeding, instead of laying beside him and letting him nurse back to sleep, dustin and i couldn't resist waking him up so we turned on the lights and played with him.  under the soft glow of the beside lamp, we jumped on the bed, read a few books, made animal noises, asked for and received a lot of kisses from holden (he just started giving kisses on thursday!), and had some family cuddle time as the curtains flapped in the warm wind and our hearts overflowed with love.  i'm not sure it can get any better than this.  

LIVE IN THE SUNSHINE.

live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air. - ralph waldo emerson

having holden has made me think a lot about the type of life that i want for him. i really want him to be able to experience life.  i want him to be able to be a boy, to spend his days outside, to get dirty, to climb trees, be an explorer and an adventurer, to get creative and have the space to do all of this.

sometimes i dream about living on a farm, waking up each dawn to the sun rising in the sky, stepping out into the morning mist as my shoes catch the fresh dew, holden's tiny hand in mine, his feet moving twice as fast just to keep up with my stride, as we meet and feed all of our animals, holden living a slower life, one that's far removed from the hustle and bustle of a busy city...but then i'm not sure i could handle the slower pace of a farm life.

sometimes i dream about moving to another country (australia, new zealand, or denmark are at the top my list) even just if it's just for a year, taking a break from our normal lives and assimilating ourselves into another culture, holden becoming a multicultural, multilingual little boy...but then i realize i love california and i'm not sure i can take holden away from the friends and family that love him here.

sometimes i dream about living in the country, in a town that you could drive through within a total of 2 minutes, a blink of the eye and you will have missed it in a house with a vegetable garden out back and rolling hills of green all around (my grandparents house in pleasant point, new zealand comes to mind), a place where holden can be a real boy, where holden can be wild and free...but then i'm not sure i could live without the convenience of a big city and all of the child classes that holden attends.

sometimes i want to pack up our suitcases, jump on a plane, and just go, becoming modern day explorers, a nomadic family traversing the globe in search of adventure, holden learning more about the world by experiencing it himself...but then i'm not sure if we could leave home for so long.

so what will we choose?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

yesterday was dustin's 27th birthday.  he had to work during the day, so we decided to celebrate it at home (part of being new parents i suppose) with a summer (err, spring) dinner bbq.  since we weren't going out, i wanted to do something special at home so i gave myself a smallish budget and set to work on a scotch and chocolate (two of his favorite things) mini dessert table.  i created a 27 out of cardboard boxes that i cut up, taped together, and wrapped in crepe paper.  the left over crepe paper was hung from the ceiling and i used wrapping paper to create the background behind the table.  i bought minis from bevmo and he got to taste four different types of scotch and rank them from most expensive to least expensive.  the table wasn't perfect (the perfectionist in me kind of died over this), but it was something fun for the two of us.

FLEA MARKET FINDS.

after a rainy saturday, the skies turned blue and we headed to the alameda flea market.  it was holden's first flea market.  we wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles for hours, window shopping and people watching, until our feet hurt and we couldn't walk another step.  the only thing i was dying to have was a beautiful retro sideboard that was being carted home by someone else when we walked in so we left with a metal H for holden's nursery and that's it.  when we got home we realized it was already holden's bedtime, but with the weather moderately warm, the sun still hanging high in the sky, and the three of us all together, we found it hard to part with our little man for the night and spent another hour trying to elude the inevitable.  we were infected by that school's out for summer vibe, possibly an automatic by-product of daylight savings.  you know that inescapable happy-go-lucky feeling reminding you of an era when you were young, wild, and carefree with no consequences and no boundaries.  we are having so much fun with holden.  we keep thinking that this is the best it can get, but it keeps getting better and better. 

SHARING TIME.

after five days of traveling i am ready to have holden all to myself.  while i love showing him off and sharing him with our friends and family who adore him, i miss the quiet hours that we spend just him and i.  busy days that are spent half-heartedly playing with him while running errands, finishing chores, lunching with friends, shopping, and essentially focusing on myself, result in a powerful yearning for more time with him at the end of the day.  as i'm putting him to bed, savoring that special alone time as i rock him to sleep and he snuggles into my neck, i don't feel ready to lay him down for the night. i feel as though i have missed out on something, missed out on a day in his life.  even though i have been with him the entire day, i haven't been present enough to feel as though i am with him.  i know it sounds a little crazy (and maybe just a little overbearing), but i just love this child so incredibly much, overwhelmingly so, and as time whizzes by right before my eyes, i want to experience and revel in this time with him knowing that each day he is growing up just a little more and that it is going by fast. very fast.