A WEEKEND WITHOUT HIM.

this weekend, dustin went to san diego for a guys golf weekend (my present for his bday) and i missed him horribly.  each week i look forward to the weekend, sometimes counting down the sleeps we have left until we get to spend together as a family.  although holden and i spent saturday lazing around a pool with a bunch of my friends and spent the entire day on sunday with my mom at a really awesome park in berkeley, there was a sort of emptiness to the weekend, knowing that each special moment that happened i wanted to be sharing with dustin.  waking up this morning to realize that we had another five days before we could spend the day as a family was pretty depressing and regardless of how much fun we all had over the weekend, i think we felt a little cheated out of time.

on sunday, i discovered an amazing park, tilden park, with my mom.  it's located in the berkeley hills and has a steam engine, a merry-go-round, a petting zoo, a few lakes, and a bunch of places to picnic and hike.  holden loves animals.  on a daily basis, we read tons of animal books, make a lot of animal noises, and listen to silly songs about animals, so the animal farm was the perfect place to take him.  he was entranced at the animal farm, mouth gaping in amazement and crying each time i turned him away from one animal to go explore another park of the farm.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

i have always wanted to be barefoot and pregnant.  when i was younger i imagined the grown-up version of myself standing in the doorway of my home wearing a sheer white gown that fanned and fluttered over my billowing belly in the breeze as i stood barefoot looking out over pastures filled with grazing horses.  (obviously i must have seen this in a movie because the detail in my mind of this event is impeccable).  

when asked what do you want to be when you grow up? my response as a child alternated between an author and a mom.   responding with "a mom" is cute for a kid to say, but once you pass the age of fifteen (or maybe sooner than that) you start getting the look no really, what do you want to do? so suddenly there was no more throwing out the "i want to be a mom" retort with reckless abandon and my response changed to a writer. then when i realized that i needed major connections to work at glamour or vogue (my idea of a writer back then) my response changed to i don't know and the question began to cause angst and dread about what would become of my future.

because deep down in my heart, in a place that i tucked away at when i started getting those skeptical looks and kept hidden from everyone around me, what i wanted to be most of all when i grew up was a mother.  but why did i have to hide this away?  why is there such a stigma around being a stay-at-home mom?  why wasn't i "allowed" to choose a wife and stay-at-home mom as my answer to what i wanted to be when i grew up because motherhood (and fatherhood and parenthood) is in fact a full-time job.

my younger self was envious of women in the fifties that were expected to stay home.  i was resentful that those women were banned from working and had to stay home with their children because i didn't have a desire to climb the corporate ladder.  i was jealous that those women got to do what i wanted to do most of all without any questions asked.  i am embarrassed to even say that i thought this because obviously i would not want to be told by anyone that i couldn't work if i wanted to or that i had to stay home and had no choice around it, but if the women's movement was all about a woman's right to choose what she wanted to do, why was my desired "profession" completely ousted.

i am grateful for the years that i worked in the corporate world for they have taught me invaluable life lessons and things about myself that i would not have been able to learn elsewhere, but i hated every single second of every job that i ever had.  throughout my career, i always felt like something was lacking in my life and i continually strived to fill that void in my life: a new city, a new job, more money, a new house, etc.  yet regardless of how many changes i made, nothing ever eliminated the notion that something was missing and i was left wanting, yearning, searching, and chasing.  and then holden arrived.  and he was all i ever wanted.  out of that covert corner of my heart, intentions and desires that had been concealed and buried years earlier were suddenly unveiled and i remembered what i wanted most of all was to be a mother.  as corny as it may sound, i finally feel fulfilled and although my new job is harder than any other job i've had, i love every single second of it.

LONG-TERM BREASTFEEDING?

Sometimes I get worked up over little things.  Things that will usually work themselves out in the future and shouldn't be an issue in the present moment, but these things take hold of me, a strong & steady grip that I can't shake, paralyzing me with worry, fear, and anxiety.  These things cause irrational reasoning so that no one else can give me their opinion if it differs from mine because I won't be able to rationalize with them.  Right now, this thing is breastfeeding.  I'm not anywhere near ready to wean Holden from breastfeeding.  And knowing how fast this past six months has flown by, I'm not sure I'll be quite ready in another short six months.

We only just started Holden on solids, but I can't get the thought out of my mind that by starting solids, it is the beginning to the end of breastfeeding.  Just thinking about no more breastfeeding causes tears to gently fall down my cheeks and my stomach to tie up in in knots of apprehension.  I feel like a child that just wants to say "no!" and then get her way.  It makes me want to have a temper tantrum, to throw myself on the floor, kicking my legs, flailing my arms, and screaming at the top of my lungs "I won't do it."  Why does the end of breastfeeding cause such an adverse reaction deep in my gut?  Although I always planned to nurse, I never anticipating feeling such emotional fulfillment and attachment through breastfeeding.  

From the start, Holden knew what to do.  I was a little unsure, but Holden taught and I listened.  We were in sync immediately.   There was something about watching him latch on with utter dependence knowing that I was the only one able fulfill his needs that resonated deep within me.     After nourishing him for 39 weeks as he grew inside my womb, my body was continuing to give him the gift of life, continuing to nourish him as he grew outside the womb and the entire process had me captivated in amazement.  He needed me and I was able to fulfill that need.  It is as if my entire being was made for this (which I guess it is).

Although we spend a lot of time together and share a lot of special moments, breastfeeding is a sacred time for us.  Breastfeeding has become our quiet place together.  No matter where we are in the world, regardless of who or how many people are around us, despite how we may be feeling beforehand, when we stop to breastfeed, the world slows down for a moment becoming a blur of movement surrounding us as a peace resides over us.  We reconnect with each other and disconnect from the surrounding world.  I never watch TV, I never check or talk on my phone, and I never get on the computer when breastfeeding because from the very start I've always wanted this time to be sacred between us.  I always wanted Holden to get 100% of me during these time because from the very start, I knew that this time would go by way too fast.

Tonight as I rocked Holden to sleep, I watched him latch on, pulling him against me as his eyes rolled back immediately, completely soothed, comforted and at home.  I rested my lips on the top of his head looking down at the baby curled up against my stomach seemingly reassuming the position he was in inside the womb and it almost felt like he had never left, that we were one body again.  I think that's what I love most of all.

CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY

All day as Dustin sits behind a desk staring at a computer screen, the only thought on his mind is Holden and the willpower needed to stop him from walking out the door of his office and in the door to his home.  All day I text pictures showing him what we're doing and all the cute little things taht Holden is doing, letting him get a glimpse into our day-to-day activities each photo illustrating the stark contrast between our day and his.  He misses Holden so much when he's away and although I know that the photos help him get through his day, sometimes I wonder...does it make his longing worse?

Each evening as the sun begins to set, Dustin battles stop and go traffic for an hour, his vision blurring with brake lights as he races to make it home before bedtime.  Most nights Dustin walks in the door just in time to give Holden a hug and snuggle before the little man closes his eyes for the night.  On the nights that Dustin doesn't make it in time, he enters the dark room defeated, leaning over to kiss the forehead of his sleeping son who he yearns to be with all day long.  When Dustin can leave work a little early, Holden is ecstatic.  I sit happily on the sidelines watching the two of them together like two little boys, Dustin playing peek-a-boo and popping up from every corner of the room, Holden giggling and squealing in delight, both of them in pure bliss.  But even the days that Dustin is able to leave a little early, the most time he gets with Holden is 30 minutes.  just 30 minutes.

Sometimes I wonder if Dustin is getting cheated out of the whole situation, out of being a parent.  I know that someone has to work and we are lucky that at least one of us is able to stay at home with Holden (because a lot of people do not have that option), but what if I want something different for my family. What if I want to do something that enables both of us to stay at home, a job that enables us to have a flexible schedule so that Holden grows up with both parents, each of us not missing a beat of his life, not missing all of his firsts, sharing each moment together.  I love every second that I spend with Holden, but I also want to share these moments with Dustin who can relate and relish in the little things with me.  Holden is such a different boy when the three of us are all together, happier and more content.  We all are.

IT'S OK

It's ok that I haven't gotten my nails in three months because I usually only have time for a pedicure.

It's ok that Holden only will let me put him to sleep.

It's ok that I only have time to make dinner using the crock pot.

It's ok that Holden doesn't sleep through the night every night.

It's ok that I'm make-up free on the days I won't see people I know.

It's ok that I haven't read a book in six months.

It's ok that when I'm exhausted I can no longer enjoy an afternoon of reality shows despite the fact that there are times that I long for those days.

It's ok that we don't want to put Holden in his crib yet (or ever).

It's ok that I don't like to leave Holden for more than an hour or two.

It's ok that I can count the number of times I have left Holden on one hand.

It's ok that some of my friends don't understand/can't relate what it's like to have a child.

It's ok that I rock Holden to sleep instead of putting him down drowsy, but awake.

It's ok that it sometimes takes a week to respond to emails.

It's ok that I can't really remember what drunk feels like.

It's ok that I love breastfeeding so much that I hate when Holden gets a bottle.

It's ok that I revolve my schedule completely around Holden and cancel plans if it doesn't work with his sleep schedule.

It's ok that Holden's longest naps happen in the baby carrier.

It's ok that when Holden goes to bed Dustin and I look through photos of him on our phones, cameras, and computers because we miss him.

It's ok that sometimes we keep Holden awake just so that we can spend more time with him.

Because these moments are fleeting in the grand scheme of things and this is what works for our little family.   Case in point:  Holden used to hate going to other people.  Even with grandparents, I would have to hold him or have him in my lap in order for them to play with him.  He is a momma's boy through and through (which of course I love).  But I realized just last week that I could leave the room and Holden would be completely content playing with my mom.  And today, he happily hung out and cuddled in the Gymboree teacher's (a stranger's) arms when she asked if she could hold him.  I'm glad that he is confident enough to go to other people and doesn't need me by his side at every second because as a painfully shy child myself, I want him to be outgoing so he doesn't struggle in certain social situations like I did, but if I'm completely honest, I secretly hate it.  I already miss him needing me so much.  So on days that are difficult, days that I'm exhausted, or days that someone tells me that I shouldn't be doing it that way, I remind myself that in a blink of an eye he won't be a baby anymore and I will miss all of these little moments.

HAPPY 6 MONTHS

To our Golden Boy,

Happy half year (6 month) birthday!  What a wonderful world you have created for us.  It's still unbelievable that you have been in our lives for half of a year.  It seems like just yesterday that we were driving home from the hospital filled with apprehension and excitement to bring our new baby home with us, and now suddenly in what seems like a complete blur we are here today with a six month old baby who has personality, lets us know what he likes and dislikes, and is becoming his own little person. 

We are so proud of you (daddy can't stop saying that tonight). Daddy says he feels like you're becoming a man and I know exactly what he means.  We are just filled with pride at all of your hard work and accomplishments so far in life. Although I have a love-hate relationship with your growth and development (I don't want to lose my little baby to a boy and then a man), I can't help but boast about the fact that you're hitting all of the 7 and 8 month milestones. You really are a very smart and  bright boy.

We could never have imagined a love like this.  I once read this quote that "Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body" and I can't even begin to explain how true that statement is.   You own my heart.  No one could have prepared us for how you would utterly and completely fill our lives with joy, happiness, and love.  We live for your smiles and your laughs.

You are an extremely handsome and happy little guy.  People are constantly commenting on your model looks and brilliant blue eyes.  You have a serious side and a silly side.  At times you smile at every stranger on the street, but other times are very thoughtful and serious when meeting new people.  I wonder if you're shy as you stare pensively at a stranger saying hello, but then you love the attention that the old lady across the restaurant is giving to you, so maybe you have a shy side and an outgoing side at the same time.  At Gymboree, you always love being the center of attention - smiling, making excited squeals, and enjoying everyone flaunting over you.  It's funny because the teachers always spend extra time on you with each activity because you enjoy it so much and let everyone in class know.  

These days our time is spent like this:

6:30 AM  You wake up and talk to yourself, batting me and daddy in the face as your try to wake us.
7:00 AM  I wake up with you (during the week and daddy gets up in the weekend) and we go out to the living room to play.
8:00 AM  We both take a nap.
9:00 AM  You wake up and we play around the house.
11:00 AM We take Tobi for a walk and you fall asleep in the carrier.
12:00 PM We head out for the day and go to playgroup, music class, Gymboree, lunch with our mommy and baby friends, park, errands, hang with grandma, etc.
3:00 PM You take a nap.
5:00 PM Begin bedtime routine of dinner, bath, crazy play, and rockabye.

We always seem to have something fun to do every day and I love having you as my constant companion.  What I love most is that now when I reach for you, you reach for me.  Seeing you lift your arms up to me asking to be picked up or watching you lean out of someone else's arms with your arms outstretched towards me, melts my heart every time.  It's almost as if you're actually saying "mommy, mommy".

You are very inquisitive and are all over the place these days! You want to be everywhere at once.  You're not crawling per se, but you are literally leaping (like a little frog) in different directions (and face planting).  You haven't rolled over very much (5 times total), but you're moving in every direction.  If we are holding you, you will lean over trying to get onto the ground.  If you're sitting on the ground, you will leap towards something across the room.  It's getting harder to get things done around the house now because I can't take my hands off of you.  You are definitely a rough and tumble kind of kid, curious about everything and willing to take risks to explore those curiosities.  Nothing holds your interest for very long because you always seem to discover something newer and more exciting after a few moments. You want to touch, feel, rip, shred, pull, and eat everything in sight (I'm starting to think of you as my little demolition expert).  We have to warn people to not let you grab their faces and hair because you will hold on and not let go.    You like to pinch and grab our cheeks, noses, chins, or really anywhere on our faces, and I can't get your nails short enough where they don't feel like sharpened claws. Grandma calls you the wild child.  I left you with her one time when I went to run down the store and she looked like she had been through a tornado - her hair was astray, her glasses crooked, and she was exhausted.

You love being outside during the day and as the weather gets nicer, I can't wait to spend more and more of our time together enjoying and exploring the outdoors.  Sometimes when you fall asleep in the carrier, I spend the entire time sitting outside as you nap which always results in your longest naps. I've often considered putting you to sleep outside because the fresh air seems to extend your naps by an hour, but haven't quite figured that out since you're too curious about everything around you to fall asleep in the midst of it all.  We spend a lot of time at the park because swinging is one of your favorite things to do.  Although you hated the baby "swing" that we got when you were first born, you absolutely love being in the swings at the park whether its the small swing on your own or you're cuddled on mommy's lap in the big swing.

The two newest things you are doing are sucking your thumb and sucking in your bottom lip.  You are also constantly talking and discovering new sounds each day. You say mama and baba...no dada yet, but he practices with you every single day.  Every day brings something new!  Soon you'll be a walking, talking little boy.

Close to bedtime, you get into this crazy, wired state (am I waiting until you're overtired?) where you giggle, laugh, squeal, and leap all over the bed.  Your daddy will rush home from work each night, praying that he doesn't miss the wild child.  And even if we're reading a book or starting to rockabye, daddy can't resist starting a game of peek-a-boo and getting you rewired so he can elicit that electric smile that melts our hearts.

Life with you is bliss.  Pure bliss.

Love,

Mommy + Daddy

You love:

Sitting up
Peek-a-boo
Pears
Water (oh how you love water!)
The swing
Gymboree
Bubbles
Carrier
Falling asleep in the swing
Tobi
Watching older kids at the park
Being with mommy


You don't love:

Tummy time
Apples (or at least the tart one we tried to force feed you)
Naps
Being away from mommy
The car seat

Musical Play

Every Tuesday we take a music class with all of my mommie friends at DayOne in walnut creek. Although i sometimes feel ridiculous with the things I am doing (if my hubby or friends could be flies on the wall they would just die laughing), Holden loves the class and it's fun to do classes that are just for him. In one part of the class, the teacher puts on a dog song and walks around to each kid with this giant, shaggy dog puppet. When we first starting going to class, Holden showed no interest...oh no thanks, I have one of those at home. But yesterday, he was obsessed! He reached out with both hands, gripped the fur like his life depended on it, and pulled that doggy to his mouth. When the teacher moved to the baby beside him, Holden reached out with both hands trying to get the doggy bac. It was so cute! I love watching him see something he wants and try to go after it.

45 Minute Intruder

What is up with the intruder?!? Holden has always been a really great sleeper at night - he usually goes to sleep around 6:30 PM, gets up around 7:30 AM, and wakes up once or twice.  I don't even wake up half the time since we co-sleep (more on that later) and the whole side-laying breastfeeding has worked amazingly for us (I'm pretty sure he latches on himself most of the time which Dustin and I still think is crazy).  However, figuring out the whole nap schedule thing hasn't been as easy.  Holden was never one of the babies to fall asleep in the middle of the day when he was tired. Instead, Holden would just get more and more fussy until he was rocked to sleep. As a new mom, I was so confused why he was upset because I thought if he was tired and I laid him down, then he would fall asleep (hey, the other babies in playgroup did it).  Now that Holden and I have each other figured out, we've got a good little system going and I'm able to anticipate when he is getting sleepy.  Based on the amount of time he is awake and little signals he gives me (rubbing eyes, yawning, etc.) I can be proactive about it.  Now his longest naps are when he is in the carrier - and they can last up to two hours - but if I put him in the bed to sleep, he will wake up within 45 minutes on the dot. I've tried letting him lay there to go back to sleep and I've tried picking him up and rocking him back to sleep, but the little man is awake, happy, and rearing to go. A few months ago my reaction to the intruder was a borderline meltdown but now I don't let the whole sleep thing bother me anymore. As long as Holden is happy, I am happy. But even though it doesn't bother me, I'm just curious when he will develop consistent naps. Are there babies that take four or five 45-minute naps a day and that's just how it is? Or will Holden develop a two nap schedule?

little baby, big bed