FAMILY STYLE.

mama wore: urban outfitters dress, h&m lace tank, target boots, f21 necklace.  dada wore: RVCA shirt, lrg jeans, vans shoes.  little man wore: quiksilver sweater and pants, trumpette socks.

SECOND TOOTH

The second tooth popped up last Sunday (it took me a few days to actually capture it) and we think that another one is about to break through on the top.  Although I absolutely LOVED his gummy smile, these two bottom teeth couldn't be cuter.

LONG-TERM BREASTFEEDING?

Sometimes I get worked up over little things.  Things that will usually work themselves out in the future and shouldn't be an issue in the present moment, but these things take hold of me, a strong & steady grip that I can't shake, paralyzing me with worry, fear, and anxiety.  These things cause irrational reasoning so that no one else can give me their opinion if it differs from mine because I won't be able to rationalize with them.  Right now, this thing is breastfeeding.  I'm not anywhere near ready to wean Holden from breastfeeding.  And knowing how fast this past six months has flown by, I'm not sure I'll be quite ready in another short six months.

We only just started Holden on solids, but I can't get the thought out of my mind that by starting solids, it is the beginning to the end of breastfeeding.  Just thinking about no more breastfeeding causes tears to gently fall down my cheeks and my stomach to tie up in in knots of apprehension.  I feel like a child that just wants to say "no!" and then get her way.  It makes me want to have a temper tantrum, to throw myself on the floor, kicking my legs, flailing my arms, and screaming at the top of my lungs "I won't do it."  Why does the end of breastfeeding cause such an adverse reaction deep in my gut?  Although I always planned to nurse, I never anticipating feeling such emotional fulfillment and attachment through breastfeeding.  

From the start, Holden knew what to do.  I was a little unsure, but Holden taught and I listened.  We were in sync immediately.   There was something about watching him latch on with utter dependence knowing that I was the only one able fulfill his needs that resonated deep within me.     After nourishing him for 39 weeks as he grew inside my womb, my body was continuing to give him the gift of life, continuing to nourish him as he grew outside the womb and the entire process had me captivated in amazement.  He needed me and I was able to fulfill that need.  It is as if my entire being was made for this (which I guess it is).

Although we spend a lot of time together and share a lot of special moments, breastfeeding is a sacred time for us.  Breastfeeding has become our quiet place together.  No matter where we are in the world, regardless of who or how many people are around us, despite how we may be feeling beforehand, when we stop to breastfeed, the world slows down for a moment becoming a blur of movement surrounding us as a peace resides over us.  We reconnect with each other and disconnect from the surrounding world.  I never watch TV, I never check or talk on my phone, and I never get on the computer when breastfeeding because from the very start I've always wanted this time to be sacred between us.  I always wanted Holden to get 100% of me during these time because from the very start, I knew that this time would go by way too fast.

Tonight as I rocked Holden to sleep, I watched him latch on, pulling him against me as his eyes rolled back immediately, completely soothed, comforted and at home.  I rested my lips on the top of his head looking down at the baby curled up against my stomach seemingly reassuming the position he was in inside the womb and it almost felt like he had never left, that we were one body again.  I think that's what I love most of all.

CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY

All day as Dustin sits behind a desk staring at a computer screen, the only thought on his mind is Holden and the willpower needed to stop him from walking out the door of his office and in the door to his home.  All day I text pictures showing him what we're doing and all the cute little things taht Holden is doing, letting him get a glimpse into our day-to-day activities each photo illustrating the stark contrast between our day and his.  He misses Holden so much when he's away and although I know that the photos help him get through his day, sometimes I wonder...does it make his longing worse?

Each evening as the sun begins to set, Dustin battles stop and go traffic for an hour, his vision blurring with brake lights as he races to make it home before bedtime.  Most nights Dustin walks in the door just in time to give Holden a hug and snuggle before the little man closes his eyes for the night.  On the nights that Dustin doesn't make it in time, he enters the dark room defeated, leaning over to kiss the forehead of his sleeping son who he yearns to be with all day long.  When Dustin can leave work a little early, Holden is ecstatic.  I sit happily on the sidelines watching the two of them together like two little boys, Dustin playing peek-a-boo and popping up from every corner of the room, Holden giggling and squealing in delight, both of them in pure bliss.  But even the days that Dustin is able to leave a little early, the most time he gets with Holden is 30 minutes.  just 30 minutes.

Sometimes I wonder if Dustin is getting cheated out of the whole situation, out of being a parent.  I know that someone has to work and we are lucky that at least one of us is able to stay at home with Holden (because a lot of people do not have that option), but what if I want something different for my family. What if I want to do something that enables both of us to stay at home, a job that enables us to have a flexible schedule so that Holden grows up with both parents, each of us not missing a beat of his life, not missing all of his firsts, sharing each moment together.  I love every second that I spend with Holden, but I also want to share these moments with Dustin who can relate and relish in the little things with me.  Holden is such a different boy when the three of us are all together, happier and more content.  We all are.

ON THE OPEN ROAD

Over the weekend we inherited a vintage Cadillac.  Not exactly sure what to do with this random surprise as we already own two new cars and a vespa, but I'm sure we can find a use for it.  The rusty red color of the car immediately brings visions of the desert and has me dreaming of drive-in movies, an open freeway in the middle of nowhere, parking at a lookout point and necking under a star studded sky, sipping lemonade under a giant sun hat at the Parker in Palm Springs, and sitting on the hood under a blazing sky of orange and crimson.

There's something about the temperature rising that automatically raises your happiness level with it.   The weather couldn't have been more perfect this weekend, reminding me of those hot summer days of which you spend the entirety outside toasting your skin in the sun until you suddenly realize that the sun is no longer up, zipping into a hoodie over your barely-there summer clothes as dusk begins to fall and despite the nighttime chill, you romp around the night in your daytime clothes...(except we don't stay out after sundown anymore so this scenario may no longer apply).

I threw on this tribal/ikat shift dress that I love for the fact that it feels as though I'm wearing nothing at all (I spent much of pregnancy lazing about in it for this reason).  The dude shirt may be my most favorite item of clothing in the little man's closet.  Super soft and super thin, it's Holden's equivalent to my not-wearing-anything dress.  We frolicked through the afternoon before parking ourselves on the hood of the car to watch the sun fall from the sky.

FLASHBACK FRIDAY

37 weeks pregnant on our babymoon and 6 months old in momma's arms.  

how different life can be in such short span of time.

STARTING SOLIDS

We started solids a few weeks ago.  Even though Holden hadn't quite hit the 6 months mark, when we arrived at playgroup a few weeks ago and he was the only one not eating solids yet, we decided it was time to start. What can I say...we were caving to peer pressure already.

Through some information I had found on some blogs and a friend who had tried it with her son, we chose to started with Baby Led Weaning. But as much as we wanted it to work out, it just didn't. Holden gagged on each piece of food that we tried regardless of how small I made them.  Each bite was terrifying for us.  We would sit nervously on the edge of our seats, hands frozen in mid air behind him, waiting to force the food that we anticipated getting lodged in his throat out with a hard thump.  I worried that as much as we were terrified, Holden was rightly fearful as well.  I figured that choking wasn't the best introduction to eating and I didn't want him to begin to associate eating with that horrible feeling of gagging, so we switched to pureed foods which went down a lot more easily and took the fear factor out of the equation.

We started with bananas.  I think Holden was interested in the concept as a whole, but maybe not as much in the bananas themselves.  Amidst the looks of distaste, disbelief, and shock, there were deep inhales of excitement, squeals of delight, and ecstatic smiles, as H realized that he was eating just like us.  He was so proud of himself.  I could almost see his chest swelling with pride.

In addition to bananas, we have tried:

• sweet potatoes
• avocados
• peas
• apples
• pears
• carrots

Each food we have tried has been a hit or miss.  One day he'll seem disinterested and then another night I won't be able to shovel it in fast enough, but overall he seems to love bananas, avocados, and pears the most.

While I'm excited to watch my little baby grow (who can resist a baby with food smeared all over his face), I know that this is the beginning of the end to breastfeeding.  Something that seems so inconsequential will actually have a big impact on me.  Essentially, starting solids is the very beginning of weaning ::sob::.  The word wean causes my stomach to tighten, as if in anticipation of something horrible about to happen.  At the mere thought of the word, a heart wrenching reel, a video I must have seen somewhere at sometime in my life of a baby calf and mother cow being separated as the calf is being weaned from his mother, immediately begins to play in my head .  The calf crying out for his mother, the mother crying out for her baby.  The cries are heartbreaking.  It's enough to bring tears to my eyes every time.  Is this what weaning is going to be like for H and I?

Luckily for me, breastfeeding came easily to Holden and I (thanks in part to help from my mother, a certified lactation consultant).  It has been such a bonding experience for me as a mother and I love every single part of it.  I think I'm going to have a very hard time letting this go.  Although I never thought I'd be the mother to breastfeed past 12 months (and I may have even been judgemental about other mothers who did so in the past), I think that selfishly (or not so selfishly) I may just end up continuing on because I love it so much.