A LITTLE BUG.

 

on monday, i was struck down with the stomach flu or possibly food poisoning.  we attended a cinco de mayo party hosted by one of the mama's in holden's playgroup and it seems that half of the people at the party were afflicted by the same thing.

i woke up feeling nauseas and of course my first thought was omg, i'm a pregnant.  i started counting the months to see how far apart holden and the new baby would be, figured the baby must be a girl because i never experienced morning sickness with holden, and started worrying that i was going to experience horrible nausea throughout this entire pregnancy...and then i started feeling worse and worse and realized it was not pregnancy, but a stomach virus.  can't really tell you if i was disappointed or relieved.  dustin left work early and came to my rescue, scooping up the little man and taking over for the entire day.  i got into bed at 2:00 pm and didn't emerge until 6:30 pm and you know what, i think that was the single longest period of time that the boys have spent together alone.  which is odd since holden is now eight months old and the fact that he hasn't spent four and half hours alone with his father is kind of absurd.  if you can't tell, i have the teeny tiniest problem with letting go.  

since i still hadn't fully recovered yesterday, dustin stayed home from work again and took care of holden.  he did all of the heavy lifting, diaper changes, feedings (of solids), playing, etc., and i could tell that these two days made them closer, made for a stronger bond between father and son, and is something that needs to happen a lot more often than it has been.  while i selfishly want to spend every minute with dustin out of the two days that he is home for the week, i think that i need to start letting go and letting holden and him have some alone time.

AS I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.

at night, holden is still, still enough to be cuddled for hours without squirming out of my grasp, my wild man tamed by night's fall.  i sneak into bed, curling my body around his as he rolls his body towards me and snuggles closer.  i bring my legs up towards my chest, tucking him against me, my body enclosing around him completely and we morph into one, recreating those nine months that we spent together as one body and we stay that way throughout the night as if our bodies are bonded together by some invisible super glue.  as we dream, i roll around throughout the bed and holden rolls with me, following me wherever i go, remaining attached to my side.  he traces his fingers up and down my arms, memorizing me as this comforting motion lulls him to sleep.  i kiss the top of his head, his puft of white blond hair tickling my noise and i breath in his sweet baby scent, an intoxicating sleeping potion that immediately slows my breath and puts me into a deep slumber.  these quiet hours that we spend together is time that i will forever hold sacred in my heart.

yesterday, my pediatrician asked where holden was sleeping and wasn't very happy when i told him that he was still in bed with us.  he pointed me to an ancient article (literally early 1990's) taped to the back of the exam room door.  i asked if he knew about the benefits of cosleeping, but he rejected me before i could even start.  we never anticipated that we would end up cosleeping, it's just something that happened, worked for our family, and enabled us to get the best sleep possible.    before the little man arrived, we bought the first years close and secure sleeper instead of a bassinet, because it was cute, reasonably priced, and we thought it would work well in our california king-sized bed.  when holden outgrew the sleeper, we removed it from our bed, but holden remained, sprawled out in between us as we talked in hushed whispers and marveled at all of his accomplishments for that day, still (to this day) reeling at the fact that this amazing little creature is ours.  we have contemplated moving him into his crib, but we haven't been able to bring ourselves to do it.  we would miss him too much.

maybe it's because i've always required the security blanket of company to sleep at night (growing up, my sister and i couldn't sleep without one another until high school and even then we would talk on the phone for hours, each in our own room, falling asleep to the others breathing through the phone), but i can't imagine a night without him burrowed into my side.  of course there are nights that i wish i didn't wake to every fart, cry, and other random noises holden makes in his sleep, but what if i don't have this opportunity again?  what if i don't get another chance to have a tiny body, an extension of myself, curled up against me for eight hours?  i know that this time will pass too quickly and in the blink of an eye he will be in his own bed and i will be missing the nights we spent together...so why rush it?

THANKFUL.

yesterday i met a woman at a park who was chasing around her 2.5 year old son while her 4.5 month old baby girl was lounging in her car seat.  looking at her 4.5 month old daughter, i couldn't even recall when holden was that small and that still, i couldn't remember the time when he would lay there docily just exploring the world with his eyes (perhaps because he never was that still, he was always a baby that was on the move).  i told the woman this and she said yes it all goes by so fast and you can't slow it down.  she was quitting her job at the end of june because she felt she had missed out on so much of her son's life, that she had missed so many of his firsts, and that she would never get that back.  she told me that she didn't want to make that same mistake, regretting the same things with her new baby daughter.  and i felt thankful for this stranger reminding me how lucky i am.   thankful that i get to spend each waking minute with holden.  thankful that i haven't missed a moment yet.

last night, a light breeze filled with the spirit of summer drifted in through our open screen doors and when holden woke up for a night feeding, instead of laying beside him and letting him nurse back to sleep, dustin and i couldn't resist waking him up so we turned on the lights and played with him.  under the soft glow of the beside lamp, we jumped on the bed, read a few books, made animal noises, asked for and received a lot of kisses from holden (he just started giving kisses on thursday!), and had some family cuddle time as the curtains flapped in the warm wind and our hearts overflowed with love.  i'm not sure it can get any better than this.  

EASTER WEEKEND.

1. duck wooden push toy // 2. handmade sock bunny // 3. perfect peacock puzzle // 4. baby legs // 

5. chewbeads cornelia bracelets // 6. kid-o bilibo // 7. boon swig sippy cup // 8. boon squirt spoon //

9. huggy bunny blanket // 10. dunck bath toys // 11. egg shaker

(inspiration photos from here.)

our easter didn't go as planned.  we missed the easter egg hunt, visit with the easter bunny, and easter pot luck with holden's baby friends.  while i envisioned photos of holden's first easter, his perfect easter outfit, pink and white bunny ears perched atop his head, pastel colored eggs caught in his tiny grasp, none of this happened.   we've had a cold outbreak ravaging our house this past week and we spent easter sunday laying in bed feeling miserable. i spent forever dreaming up the perfect easter basket, struggling to throw together a non-traditional basket that would work for a 7 month old, and i'm disappointed i wasn't able to pull it all together so i thought i'd share holden's virtual easter basket.

it all started with my awakening to a slightly sore throat last tuesday that morphed into a full-on, nasty cold by the weekend.  i thought that my breastmilk might save holden from infection (i was under the impression that breastfed babies never got sick), but it didn't and holden woke up from his afternoon nap on saturday burning up with a fever.  holden's first real cold. it's heartbreaking to watch him writhe and moan in pain, eyes red and watering, nose oozing and dripping, completely miserable and suffering.  all i want is to make him feel better, to take his pain away, but i can't so i hold him close against me, rock him back and forth, stroke his head, and whisper sweet nothings into his ear.   he needs me now more than ever before, not wanting me to leave his side even for a second, and i'm finding myself treasuring this newfound clingy-ness, appreciating his urgent demand for me to be beside him.  as i've laid him down each night, trying to stealthily steal away to eat my dinner and spend time with my husband, his small hands reach out in the darkness, latching onto a piece of my clothing and not letting go.  one hand cups my arm, the other tracing my face as he settles back into a peaceful slumber with the knowledge that i am by his side.  i've found myself relishing in his neediness these past few days, my wild child suddenly subdued enough to enjoy hours of cuddling and quiet time with mama.

SHARING TIME.

after five days of traveling i am ready to have holden all to myself.  while i love showing him off and sharing him with our friends and family who adore him, i miss the quiet hours that we spend just him and i.  busy days that are spent half-heartedly playing with him while running errands, finishing chores, lunching with friends, shopping, and essentially focusing on myself, result in a powerful yearning for more time with him at the end of the day.  as i'm putting him to bed, savoring that special alone time as i rock him to sleep and he snuggles into my neck, i don't feel ready to lay him down for the night. i feel as though i have missed out on something, missed out on a day in his life.  even though i have been with him the entire day, i haven't been present enough to feel as though i am with him.  i know it sounds a little crazy (and maybe just a little overbearing), but i just love this child so incredibly much, overwhelmingly so, and as time whizzes by right before my eyes, i want to experience and revel in this time with him knowing that each day he is growing up just a little more and that it is going by fast. very fast. 

LONG-TERM BREASTFEEDING?

Sometimes I get worked up over little things.  Things that will usually work themselves out in the future and shouldn't be an issue in the present moment, but these things take hold of me, a strong & steady grip that I can't shake, paralyzing me with worry, fear, and anxiety.  These things cause irrational reasoning so that no one else can give me their opinion if it differs from mine because I won't be able to rationalize with them.  Right now, this thing is breastfeeding.  I'm not anywhere near ready to wean Holden from breastfeeding.  And knowing how fast this past six months has flown by, I'm not sure I'll be quite ready in another short six months.

We only just started Holden on solids, but I can't get the thought out of my mind that by starting solids, it is the beginning to the end of breastfeeding.  Just thinking about no more breastfeeding causes tears to gently fall down my cheeks and my stomach to tie up in in knots of apprehension.  I feel like a child that just wants to say "no!" and then get her way.  It makes me want to have a temper tantrum, to throw myself on the floor, kicking my legs, flailing my arms, and screaming at the top of my lungs "I won't do it."  Why does the end of breastfeeding cause such an adverse reaction deep in my gut?  Although I always planned to nurse, I never anticipating feeling such emotional fulfillment and attachment through breastfeeding.  

From the start, Holden knew what to do.  I was a little unsure, but Holden taught and I listened.  We were in sync immediately.   There was something about watching him latch on with utter dependence knowing that I was the only one able fulfill his needs that resonated deep within me.     After nourishing him for 39 weeks as he grew inside my womb, my body was continuing to give him the gift of life, continuing to nourish him as he grew outside the womb and the entire process had me captivated in amazement.  He needed me and I was able to fulfill that need.  It is as if my entire being was made for this (which I guess it is).

Although we spend a lot of time together and share a lot of special moments, breastfeeding is a sacred time for us.  Breastfeeding has become our quiet place together.  No matter where we are in the world, regardless of who or how many people are around us, despite how we may be feeling beforehand, when we stop to breastfeed, the world slows down for a moment becoming a blur of movement surrounding us as a peace resides over us.  We reconnect with each other and disconnect from the surrounding world.  I never watch TV, I never check or talk on my phone, and I never get on the computer when breastfeeding because from the very start I've always wanted this time to be sacred between us.  I always wanted Holden to get 100% of me during these time because from the very start, I knew that this time would go by way too fast.

Tonight as I rocked Holden to sleep, I watched him latch on, pulling him against me as his eyes rolled back immediately, completely soothed, comforted and at home.  I rested my lips on the top of his head looking down at the baby curled up against my stomach seemingly reassuming the position he was in inside the womb and it almost felt like he had never left, that we were one body again.  I think that's what I love most of all.

CAN'T KEEP ME AWAY

All day as Dustin sits behind a desk staring at a computer screen, the only thought on his mind is Holden and the willpower needed to stop him from walking out the door of his office and in the door to his home.  All day I text pictures showing him what we're doing and all the cute little things taht Holden is doing, letting him get a glimpse into our day-to-day activities each photo illustrating the stark contrast between our day and his.  He misses Holden so much when he's away and although I know that the photos help him get through his day, sometimes I wonder...does it make his longing worse?

Each evening as the sun begins to set, Dustin battles stop and go traffic for an hour, his vision blurring with brake lights as he races to make it home before bedtime.  Most nights Dustin walks in the door just in time to give Holden a hug and snuggle before the little man closes his eyes for the night.  On the nights that Dustin doesn't make it in time, he enters the dark room defeated, leaning over to kiss the forehead of his sleeping son who he yearns to be with all day long.  When Dustin can leave work a little early, Holden is ecstatic.  I sit happily on the sidelines watching the two of them together like two little boys, Dustin playing peek-a-boo and popping up from every corner of the room, Holden giggling and squealing in delight, both of them in pure bliss.  But even the days that Dustin is able to leave a little early, the most time he gets with Holden is 30 minutes.  just 30 minutes.

Sometimes I wonder if Dustin is getting cheated out of the whole situation, out of being a parent.  I know that someone has to work and we are lucky that at least one of us is able to stay at home with Holden (because a lot of people do not have that option), but what if I want something different for my family. What if I want to do something that enables both of us to stay at home, a job that enables us to have a flexible schedule so that Holden grows up with both parents, each of us not missing a beat of his life, not missing all of his firsts, sharing each moment together.  I love every second that I spend with Holden, but I also want to share these moments with Dustin who can relate and relish in the little things with me.  Holden is such a different boy when the three of us are all together, happier and more content.  We all are.