A WEEKEND WITHOUT HIM.

this weekend, dustin went to san diego for a guys golf weekend (my present for his bday) and i missed him horribly.  each week i look forward to the weekend, sometimes counting down the sleeps we have left until we get to spend together as a family.  although holden and i spent saturday lazing around a pool with a bunch of my friends and spent the entire day on sunday with my mom at a really awesome park in berkeley, there was a sort of emptiness to the weekend, knowing that each special moment that happened i wanted to be sharing with dustin.  waking up this morning to realize that we had another five days before we could spend the day as a family was pretty depressing and regardless of how much fun we all had over the weekend, i think we felt a little cheated out of time.

on sunday, i discovered an amazing park, tilden park, with my mom.  it's located in the berkeley hills and has a steam engine, a merry-go-round, a petting zoo, a few lakes, and a bunch of places to picnic and hike.  holden loves animals.  on a daily basis, we read tons of animal books, make a lot of animal noises, and listen to silly songs about animals, so the animal farm was the perfect place to take him.  he was entranced at the animal farm, mouth gaping in amazement and crying each time i turned him away from one animal to go explore another park of the farm.

AS I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.

at night, holden is still, still enough to be cuddled for hours without squirming out of my grasp, my wild man tamed by night's fall.  i sneak into bed, curling my body around his as he rolls his body towards me and snuggles closer.  i bring my legs up towards my chest, tucking him against me, my body enclosing around him completely and we morph into one, recreating those nine months that we spent together as one body and we stay that way throughout the night as if our bodies are bonded together by some invisible super glue.  as we dream, i roll around throughout the bed and holden rolls with me, following me wherever i go, remaining attached to my side.  he traces his fingers up and down my arms, memorizing me as this comforting motion lulls him to sleep.  i kiss the top of his head, his puft of white blond hair tickling my noise and i breath in his sweet baby scent, an intoxicating sleeping potion that immediately slows my breath and puts me into a deep slumber.  these quiet hours that we spend together is time that i will forever hold sacred in my heart.

yesterday, my pediatrician asked where holden was sleeping and wasn't very happy when i told him that he was still in bed with us.  he pointed me to an ancient article (literally early 1990's) taped to the back of the exam room door.  i asked if he knew about the benefits of cosleeping, but he rejected me before i could even start.  we never anticipated that we would end up cosleeping, it's just something that happened, worked for our family, and enabled us to get the best sleep possible.    before the little man arrived, we bought the first years close and secure sleeper instead of a bassinet, because it was cute, reasonably priced, and we thought it would work well in our california king-sized bed.  when holden outgrew the sleeper, we removed it from our bed, but holden remained, sprawled out in between us as we talked in hushed whispers and marveled at all of his accomplishments for that day, still (to this day) reeling at the fact that this amazing little creature is ours.  we have contemplated moving him into his crib, but we haven't been able to bring ourselves to do it.  we would miss him too much.

maybe it's because i've always required the security blanket of company to sleep at night (growing up, my sister and i couldn't sleep without one another until high school and even then we would talk on the phone for hours, each in our own room, falling asleep to the others breathing through the phone), but i can't imagine a night without him burrowed into my side.  of course there are nights that i wish i didn't wake to every fart, cry, and other random noises holden makes in his sleep, but what if i don't have this opportunity again?  what if i don't get another chance to have a tiny body, an extension of myself, curled up against me for eight hours?  i know that this time will pass too quickly and in the blink of an eye he will be in his own bed and i will be missing the nights we spent together...so why rush it?

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.

father: lrg tank, quiksilver shorts, toms shoes.  

son: circo sunhat, tea collection waves bantik romper, toms shoes.

because what could be cuter than a father and a son with the same fashion sense?

CAREFREE SUMMER DAYS HAVE ARRIVED.

during holden's nap on sunday morning, dustin ran out to buy a baby pool and a naked baby with skin untouched by the sun spent the afternoon splashing around in our front yard.  and it felt like the carefree days of summer arrived, where life is all about good things and the days are long and innocent. 


love this description of summer and thought i'd share.

OVER THE WEEKEND.

the weekend was hot, toasty, and wonderful.  over the span of a night, the heat index skyrocketed and we went from light jackets with a slight chill to wearing nothing at all and still sweating.

on saturday, we packed a picnic and headed to east beach where holden could play in the sand and the surf under the majestic golden gate bridge.  as we packed up, we realized how unprepared we were for the summer, stopping to buy holden a bathing suit, rash guard, and giant sun hat on the way to the beach.  we discussed purchasing a large outdoor blanket so we could enjoy our food without granules of sand in it and a canopy to shield holden's gorgeous, milk-white skin from the sun's harmful rays, but decided we would get that in time for our next summer outing and brought a quilt from holden's crib and our big rain umbrella as a stand-in.  big mistake.  despite being mostly calm everywhere else in the city, the san francisco wind was whipping through the beach in large gusts and there was no way the umbrella was staying in the sand which meant that dustin had to hold it upright over us the entire time.  the small quilt we bought as a makeshift beach blanket was too tiny for all four of us (tobi included) and so we sat on top of each other, huddling together, trying to relax as the wind constantly whipped the umbrella out of our hands and sand onto our blanket.

as dustin attempted to eat his sandwich, i held holden's hands as we walked across the sand to the ocean.  despite the frigid temperature, holden repeatedly stepped into the waves that rushed up on shore, letting his feet sink into the wet sand, squeezing the sand between each little toe, and loving every minute.  holden's first time in the ocean.

after only a short while at the beach, we were frustrated with the wind and not enjoying ourselves, so we walked up to fort mason where we met hundreds of others who were out enjoying the once-a-year-80-degree weather that san francisco has to offer.  it was so packed that it looked like there was some sort of outdoor concert going on.  we hung out with friends, enjoyed some adult beverages, and let holden get spoiled with attention.

THANKFUL.

yesterday i met a woman at a park who was chasing around her 2.5 year old son while her 4.5 month old baby girl was lounging in her car seat.  looking at her 4.5 month old daughter, i couldn't even recall when holden was that small and that still, i couldn't remember the time when he would lay there docily just exploring the world with his eyes (perhaps because he never was that still, he was always a baby that was on the move).  i told the woman this and she said yes it all goes by so fast and you can't slow it down.  she was quitting her job at the end of june because she felt she had missed out on so much of her son's life, that she had missed so many of his firsts, and that she would never get that back.  she told me that she didn't want to make that same mistake, regretting the same things with her new baby daughter.  and i felt thankful for this stranger reminding me how lucky i am.   thankful that i get to spend each waking minute with holden.  thankful that i haven't missed a moment yet.

last night, a light breeze filled with the spirit of summer drifted in through our open screen doors and when holden woke up for a night feeding, instead of laying beside him and letting him nurse back to sleep, dustin and i couldn't resist waking him up so we turned on the lights and played with him.  under the soft glow of the beside lamp, we jumped on the bed, read a few books, made animal noises, asked for and received a lot of kisses from holden (he just started giving kisses on thursday!), and had some family cuddle time as the curtains flapped in the warm wind and our hearts overflowed with love.  i'm not sure it can get any better than this.  

HERS & HIS.

1. tortoise retro sunglasses // 2. infant straw fedora // 3. white sheer button up // 

4. body short whale // 5. infant striped rainboots

yesterday, holden started crawling and upon the realization that he can get from place to place on his own, he has decided that he isn't going to stop moving.  he pounds the ground in excitement with his fists at his accomplishment of getting where he needs to be going and i feel like such a proud mama.  

FAMILY STYLE.

 mama wore: f21 maxi dress, h&m sweater, chewbeads necklace, havaianias flip flops; dada wore: volcom tshirt, lrg jeans, rainbow sandals; baby wore: quiksilver tshirt, h&m jeans, zara hat

this weekend brought sunshine and heat...finally some warmish weather.  there's something about warmth that elicits good feelings, lightened spirits, and a renewed vehemence for life and all of those things that you never got around to doing.  we spent the majority of our time averting indoors at all costs, frittering away time without a care, believing that the sun would remain in the sky forever, daylights savings finally making sense now that we could actually enjoy the lengthened evenings.  we celebrated with flip flops, bare feet in long grass that tickled all the way up holden's chubby thighs, blanket-laying under the shade of a giant tree perfect for climbing, napping under an umbrella for every reason other than precipitation, picnic sandwiches from our favorite deli, holding hands at every chance, and a mini earth day concert at the zoo, all the while enjoying the sun on our backs and daydreaming about the future.

NEW THIS WEEK.

holden became obsessed with jumping.  he can go for hours and hours.  when you jump him out of the jumperoo, he wants to jump on the ground, on your lap, in the air, and everywhere.  if only jumping was a way of getting around.

holden started fake coughing all of the time.  since i've been struck down with bronchitis and am coughing 24/7, he must think that coughing is a cool thing to do.

holden is crawling a few steps at a time, before his hands and feet fly out from beneath him and he flattens like a pancake onto the ground again.

holden loves walking more than ever.  it's definitely his preferred mode of transportation right now.  he is constantly asking for your hands so that he can walk anywhere and everywhere.  after he gets where he's going, he will turn around with a huge grin on his face as he waits for you to clap and say "yaaaaaay holden!" such a big boy.

holden began spitting bubbles from his mouth.  right now i think it's cute, but that's because he doesn't have enough momentum to spray it in my face...we'll see what i'm saying about this new skill in a few weeks.

WEEKEND.

 mama wore: target dress, jcrew sweater, zara leggings, jessica simpson boots. 

baby wore: h&m top and pants.

with gray skies and illness hanging over us, we have been feeling cooped up and stir crazy and a little lonely and isolated, restrained within the four walls of our home.  i never realized that getting sick when you have a baby means that you are banned from all activities with other babies which has severely limited our interactions with other people.  despite still not feeling well (a week and a half later) we managed to escape from our confine for the day, in between the scattered showers, getting out of the house for the first time in what feels like forever and running a few errands.  in the hopes of overcoming all of our dismalality, i opted for some bright stripes for both holden and i, and the universe seemed to acknowledge this, the sun peeking through the clouds just as we left the house even if it was only for a brief millisecond.  hoping that we are back to 100% next week and can resume our normal weekly routine of activities.