IT'S OK

It's ok that I haven't gotten my nails in three months because I usually only have time for a pedicure.

It's ok that Holden only will let me put him to sleep.

It's ok that I only have time to make dinner using the crock pot.

It's ok that Holden doesn't sleep through the night every night.

It's ok that I'm make-up free on the days I won't see people I know.

It's ok that I haven't read a book in six months.

It's ok that when I'm exhausted I can no longer enjoy an afternoon of reality shows despite the fact that there are times that I long for those days.

It's ok that we don't want to put Holden in his crib yet (or ever).

It's ok that I don't like to leave Holden for more than an hour or two.

It's ok that I can count the number of times I have left Holden on one hand.

It's ok that some of my friends don't understand/can't relate what it's like to have a child.

It's ok that I rock Holden to sleep instead of putting him down drowsy, but awake.

It's ok that it sometimes takes a week to respond to emails.

It's ok that I can't really remember what drunk feels like.

It's ok that I love breastfeeding so much that I hate when Holden gets a bottle.

It's ok that I revolve my schedule completely around Holden and cancel plans if it doesn't work with his sleep schedule.

It's ok that Holden's longest naps happen in the baby carrier.

It's ok that when Holden goes to bed Dustin and I look through photos of him on our phones, cameras, and computers because we miss him.

It's ok that sometimes we keep Holden awake just so that we can spend more time with him.

Because these moments are fleeting in the grand scheme of things and this is what works for our little family.   Case in point:  Holden used to hate going to other people.  Even with grandparents, I would have to hold him or have him in my lap in order for them to play with him.  He is a momma's boy through and through (which of course I love).  But I realized just last week that I could leave the room and Holden would be completely content playing with my mom.  And today, he happily hung out and cuddled in the Gymboree teacher's (a stranger's) arms when she asked if she could hold him.  I'm glad that he is confident enough to go to other people and doesn't need me by his side at every second because as a painfully shy child myself, I want him to be outgoing so he doesn't struggle in certain social situations like I did, but if I'm completely honest, I secretly hate it.  I already miss him needing me so much.  So on days that are difficult, days that I'm exhausted, or days that someone tells me that I shouldn't be doing it that way, I remind myself that in a blink of an eye he won't be a baby anymore and I will miss all of these little moments.

SUDS IN THE BUCKET

We've had this sitting in the closet since Holden was born.  Pushed to the back of the closet, I had actually completely forgotten about it until the other night.  We weren't really sure how it would work, but if you can't tell the little man loved it.

HIGH TIDE, LOW TIDE

(H&M sweater, Nordstrom onesie, thrifted H&M sweatpants, Target surfer shoes)

While there is nothing quite as relaxing as sitting under a blazing sun and feeling the warmth of the sun's rays slowly heat my skin to the boiling point while listening to the waves wash upon the shore, there's something about watching an angry sea brimming with wild whitecaps that brings an inexplainable feeling of peace and calm over me. Maybe its because the ocean is showing off her strength and power and as if in a duel and knowing I am not an even contender, I have no other choice but to surrender and let go. I spent a small part of every day of my pregnancy sitting and watching the waves pound threateningly onto the sand in a fit of rage as the wind danced all around me enlisting my hair as his partner. The ocean is my meditation, my therapy, my "me time", my peace. Although I'd love for H to know the softer side of the ocean where he can strip down and wade in without any fear, I hope that rougher seas brings him the peace that they bring me.

Further south, in a much calmer and warmer setting than what san francisco has to offer, we strolled along the water, introducing H to a place we love.  H finally fit into his surfer shoes, miniature versions of daddy's, that we've been attempting to put on his feet since day one.  And I couldn't resist this gorgeous knitted hoodie, despite the fact that the elbow patches are currently forearm patches.  I just couldn't wait a minute longer for him to actually fit into it.

WEEKEND BITS

We tried out the backpack today and the little man loved it!  What started out as a 2/3 mile simple hike, resulted in a two hour trek up to a ridge, through some cow pastures, and back down again.  I think we're well on our way to becoming those outdoorsy-hiking-camping type of people.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

(Sweet Peanut onesie)

I am always on the hunt for adorable one pieces. I love them on H. They somehow preserve his littleness, freezing his time as a baby where he looks like the baby that he is unlike the majority of his closet that instead disguise him as a little man. And its always easier to throw one item as a change of clothes into the diaper bag versus an entire outfit of onesie, pants, and shirt. There are so many things that I love about this piece - pure simplicity, supreme comfort, passable as pajamas but actually looks like it's meant to be worn out of the house, and one of those easy things to throw on on a warm afternoon.  Made out of a stretchy cotton fabric, it's like zipping into a second skin.  Glad that it's finally been able to make a solo appearance without the abundance of layers that have been accompanying it for the last couple of months which kind of took away from the simplicity of the entire thing.  Can't seem to stray away from horizontal stripes when it comes to baby boy clothes, but we're obviously not having any trouble integrating them into Holden's wardrobe.

FIRST TOOTH

Today, Holden got his first tooth!  The front right of the bottom front two teeth.  We have been waiting for this day for months.  With excessive drooling and gumming on everything since month three, we have been sure that a tooth was going to pop up every day for the past three months!  We had almost given up, but it has finally arrived!!

Although, he did seem to be up more than usual last night, he was merely playing with his feet and cooing in bed (no crying).  What a brave little guy!  

HEAT WAVE

(Baby Gap onsie, H&M pants)

We were giddy today. I blame our happy delirium state on the absurdity of summer's appearance in the middle of winter's transition into spring. I was made aware that just as quickly as this summer oasis appeared it is going to disappear before tomorrow morning, fading back into winter dulldom overnight so that when we wake, we'll believe that we dreamed the entire thing.  We used this as an excuse to avoid the inside all together and sought out a terrace for lunching, enjoyed a tall glass of iced lemonade, felt the grass between our bare toes, made friends at the park, smelled bbq in the air and decided to partake ourselves, and left the screen doors open into the late evening.

Free from heavy jackets, hats, closed-toed shoes, and the weight of winter entirely, we were liberated, feeling both whimsical and reckless.  I gallivanted around braless and bare-toed in a thin, Diesel, t-shirt dress and Holden managed to wear the majority of his summer wardrobe in the span of 5 hours.  We spotted these pants on our latest H&M run and made a beeline for them as soon as the salmon color entered my peripheral vision.  I cuffed the bottoms which immediately resulted in summer perfection, knowing they will be a recurring theme in Holden's attire for the next couple of months.

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM...

We are not the outdoorsy-camping-hiking type of people, but in an attempt to become more like these people, we bought this today. We figured it was kind of a requirement when having a boy. "Hike" already planned for Sunday.

A DAY AT THE PARK WITH GRANDMA

 (michael stars tee, h&m pants) 

The weather has been unbelievable the past two days.  Overnight we went from long sleeves, hats, blazing fires, and comfort soup to short sleeves, bare feet, screen doors open, and barbeques.  With the sun hanging in the sky until the late hours of the evening, it feels like summer has arrived and we have been postponing H's bedtime and soaking up every last drop of sunshine, not knowing how long this relief from winter's cold will last.

HAPPY 6 MONTHS

To our Golden Boy,

Happy half year (6 month) birthday!  What a wonderful world you have created for us.  It's still unbelievable that you have been in our lives for half of a year.  It seems like just yesterday that we were driving home from the hospital filled with apprehension and excitement to bring our new baby home with us, and now suddenly in what seems like a complete blur we are here today with a six month old baby who has personality, lets us know what he likes and dislikes, and is becoming his own little person. 

We are so proud of you (daddy can't stop saying that tonight). Daddy says he feels like you're becoming a man and I know exactly what he means.  We are just filled with pride at all of your hard work and accomplishments so far in life. Although I have a love-hate relationship with your growth and development (I don't want to lose my little baby to a boy and then a man), I can't help but boast about the fact that you're hitting all of the 7 and 8 month milestones. You really are a very smart and  bright boy.

We could never have imagined a love like this.  I once read this quote that "Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body" and I can't even begin to explain how true that statement is.   You own my heart.  No one could have prepared us for how you would utterly and completely fill our lives with joy, happiness, and love.  We live for your smiles and your laughs.

You are an extremely handsome and happy little guy.  People are constantly commenting on your model looks and brilliant blue eyes.  You have a serious side and a silly side.  At times you smile at every stranger on the street, but other times are very thoughtful and serious when meeting new people.  I wonder if you're shy as you stare pensively at a stranger saying hello, but then you love the attention that the old lady across the restaurant is giving to you, so maybe you have a shy side and an outgoing side at the same time.  At Gymboree, you always love being the center of attention - smiling, making excited squeals, and enjoying everyone flaunting over you.  It's funny because the teachers always spend extra time on you with each activity because you enjoy it so much and let everyone in class know.  

These days our time is spent like this:

6:30 AM  You wake up and talk to yourself, batting me and daddy in the face as your try to wake us.
7:00 AM  I wake up with you (during the week and daddy gets up in the weekend) and we go out to the living room to play.
8:00 AM  We both take a nap.
9:00 AM  You wake up and we play around the house.
11:00 AM We take Tobi for a walk and you fall asleep in the carrier.
12:00 PM We head out for the day and go to playgroup, music class, Gymboree, lunch with our mommy and baby friends, park, errands, hang with grandma, etc.
3:00 PM You take a nap.
5:00 PM Begin bedtime routine of dinner, bath, crazy play, and rockabye.

We always seem to have something fun to do every day and I love having you as my constant companion.  What I love most is that now when I reach for you, you reach for me.  Seeing you lift your arms up to me asking to be picked up or watching you lean out of someone else's arms with your arms outstretched towards me, melts my heart every time.  It's almost as if you're actually saying "mommy, mommy".

You are very inquisitive and are all over the place these days! You want to be everywhere at once.  You're not crawling per se, but you are literally leaping (like a little frog) in different directions (and face planting).  You haven't rolled over very much (5 times total), but you're moving in every direction.  If we are holding you, you will lean over trying to get onto the ground.  If you're sitting on the ground, you will leap towards something across the room.  It's getting harder to get things done around the house now because I can't take my hands off of you.  You are definitely a rough and tumble kind of kid, curious about everything and willing to take risks to explore those curiosities.  Nothing holds your interest for very long because you always seem to discover something newer and more exciting after a few moments. You want to touch, feel, rip, shred, pull, and eat everything in sight (I'm starting to think of you as my little demolition expert).  We have to warn people to not let you grab their faces and hair because you will hold on and not let go.    You like to pinch and grab our cheeks, noses, chins, or really anywhere on our faces, and I can't get your nails short enough where they don't feel like sharpened claws. Grandma calls you the wild child.  I left you with her one time when I went to run down the store and she looked like she had been through a tornado - her hair was astray, her glasses crooked, and she was exhausted.

You love being outside during the day and as the weather gets nicer, I can't wait to spend more and more of our time together enjoying and exploring the outdoors.  Sometimes when you fall asleep in the carrier, I spend the entire time sitting outside as you nap which always results in your longest naps. I've often considered putting you to sleep outside because the fresh air seems to extend your naps by an hour, but haven't quite figured that out since you're too curious about everything around you to fall asleep in the midst of it all.  We spend a lot of time at the park because swinging is one of your favorite things to do.  Although you hated the baby "swing" that we got when you were first born, you absolutely love being in the swings at the park whether its the small swing on your own or you're cuddled on mommy's lap in the big swing.

The two newest things you are doing are sucking your thumb and sucking in your bottom lip.  You are also constantly talking and discovering new sounds each day. You say mama and baba...no dada yet, but he practices with you every single day.  Every day brings something new!  Soon you'll be a walking, talking little boy.

Close to bedtime, you get into this crazy, wired state (am I waiting until you're overtired?) where you giggle, laugh, squeal, and leap all over the bed.  Your daddy will rush home from work each night, praying that he doesn't miss the wild child.  And even if we're reading a book or starting to rockabye, daddy can't resist starting a game of peek-a-boo and getting you rewired so he can elicit that electric smile that melts our hearts.

Life with you is bliss.  Pure bliss.

Love,

Mommy + Daddy

You love:

Sitting up
Peek-a-boo
Pears
Water (oh how you love water!)
The swing
Gymboree
Bubbles
Carrier
Falling asleep in the swing
Tobi
Watching older kids at the park
Being with mommy


You don't love:

Tummy time
Apples (or at least the tart one we tried to force feed you)
Naps
Being away from mommy
The car seat

this non-scheduled, to-don't life

Since I've been young, I've always been somewhat of an anxious person.  I have always been obsessed with schedules, I like to make lists of everything I need to do, and I like to have everything planned out.  Keeping everything in my life organized has always helped to keep my anxiety at bay.  Sometimes, I will add things that I've already done throughout my day just so I can put it on my list and cross it off.  Upon crossing things off of my schedules and my lists, a huge sense of accomplishment waves over me.  Before the end of each day, I will spend time thinking through each hour of the impending day.  The never ending cycle of scheduling, planning, and accomplishing these the scheduled and the planned is what makes my world go around.

As you other mommas know, this type of impeccable planning is nearly impossible with a baby. My schedule now revolves around Holden's schedule, things on my to do list dont get crossed off for several weeks, and if I do make plans it's inevitable that they will change. I've quickly realized that motherhood is all about prioritizing. This means the laundry will get done, but the clothes won't be put away (for a week or so sometimes), dinner will be made, but the kitchen will be a mess, Holden will be bathed and dressed, but I won't have time to do my hair and make-up.  But surprisingly, I don't mind this nonscheduled, to-don't life.

Holden has brought a huge sense of calmness over me...something I have never known before.  For the first time ever I am able to live in the moment and really enjoy the present instead of worrying about what the future holds.  I am constantly aware of how fleeting this time with my baby boy is and I want to savor every single moment I have with him.  At the end of this life, I won't look back and remember if the house was clean, if the laundry was folded and put away, or if my nails were always filed and painted, but I will remember the nights that I sat in the rocker with Holden in my arms, kissing his eyelids, and breathing in his scent.

leaving the little one

next weekend, all of the my mommy friends from H's play group are planning a day trip to napa for wine tasting.  it is one of the girl's birthdays and she's renting a limo for the entire day to take all of us mommies on a day getaway where we can relax, get drunk, and enjoy a few hours to ourselves.   the plan is for the babes to stay home with the daddy's.  you would assume that i would be jumping up and down at the opportunity, but i have to be honest, getting this invitation sent me into full on panic mode.    my mind skipped over the whole girls-day-out-fun that would be awaiting me and instead immediately fixated on the fact that this outing would mean each mommy would be leaving her baby for the entire day.  all. day. long.  even though H is almost six months old, i still haven't left him for more than three hours and that was once to get my hair done.  does this make me a weird mom?  i know that dustin is fully capable of taking care of the little man without me and my mom has been a pediatric nurse for over 30 years so i know that the little man is in great hands when he is with her, but i still can not stand leaving him.

today at playgroup, the girls chattered excitedly about which wineries to visit, where to grab lunch, and how drunk they would be.   the whole thing sounded like it was going to be a blast and as i listened with a smile plastered on my face, my palms grew cold and clammy, my forehead began to perspire, and my heart started pounding in my chest as butterflies fluttered about in my stomach at the thought of leaving H.  i decided not to go.  i can't bear it.   does any other mommies feel the same way about leaving their little ones?  or is this just me?

happy valentine's day

love, holden

Two firsts

two firsts happened today which i would prefer to forget versus remember: your first poop after starting solids and your first vomit.

The poop happened at 5:30 AM this morning after working on it all night long. It was disgusting. It was real poop. No longer baby, no smell, easy to clean poop. Nope, this stuff was what you think of when you say the word poop. I much prefer breastfed poop. I won't go into much more detail, but this first has made me reconsider my decision to start solids before 6 months. I know you loved the bananas, but were they worth 4 days of digesting and 12 hours of pushing? I didn't think so.

The second first today was vomiting. It was heartbreaking. You didn't want to go down for your nap, but you were exhausted. As I rocked you, you fussed, tried to bite everything, and refused to nurse. This was so unlike you and I was confused. Was it your teeth (you were nawing on everything)? Did you want to stay up and play (we were having fun)? I decided to take you out of the room and have some quiet playtime for another 15-20 minutes. Then I brought you back in and started rocking you. All of a sudden you started gagging and then you vomited. A lot. It happened one more time before I really got what was happening and by that time I was soaked in vomit. I was so worried about you, but you were so happy afterwards. You must have felt much better...all you needed was to get it out of your system. After a quick bath (for both of us), you immediately passed out.

Phew! It's only 10 AM and it's already been an eventful day! No one ever said a mothers job was glamorous (at least for some of the time).

A Parent's Nightmare

The most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a parent happened to us two Thursdays ago. Holden stopped breathing. We were on a long, two hour car ride to Sacramento, racing to make it to my great-aunt's deathbed. Holden was sick with croup, overtired, and woke up suddenly after a short nap in the car to realize it was dark, he was not at home, and he was still restrained in his car seat when all he wanted was to be snuggled in bed between his parents. Upon that realization, he started wailing. With five minutes left of the drive I was busily checking my phone for directions while half-heartedly trying to calm Holden. And then he got my attention.

In the middle of crying, he just stopped. The car had been filled with screaming and then all of a sudden silence. We waited for him to take that next big breath, but it never happened. Within seconds the realization that he had stopped breathing hit me and I ripped him from the carseat, turned him on his side, and started hitting him on the back.

As I slapped him on the back willing him to inhale, Dustin swerved from lane to lane presumably trying to decide the correct course of action while the frenzied panic clouded his ability to actually come to a decision. Should I pull over? I need to get to him. I hope no one hits our car. Should I drive to a hospital? Where is a hospital? Breath damnit!

When I realized the back slapping wasn't working I held him up at eye level and watched as his head flopped back and his eyes rolled back in his head. I screamed at Dustin trying to relay what was happening as he watched helplessly through the rear view mirror. Breath into his mouth, he shouted. I did and Holden inhaled, looking up at me with a ghost-like complexion and fear in his eyes. I kissed his face and held him close, not taking my hand from his chest which was now expanding and collapsing as it filled with air. Finally.

My wonderful, amazing, brave, supportive husband fought through the fear and panic as he soothed, calmed, and reassured me and continued driving to the hospital while I knew the only thing he wanted to do was dive into the backseat and hold his little boy, quite possibly never letting go. I sat in the back crying and like a broken record, repeating over and over this is not ok. A few minutes after the incident, Holden was fine. I was not and still am not. In the realest way possible, I thought I was going to lose my baby that night and that is a feeling that I will remember for the rest of my life.

It turns out that this was a breath-holding spell and thankfully, nothing more serious.  This is just another reminder that we are blessed to have our good health, that life can change in an instant, and to hold on, appreciate, and cherish all of life's little moments.