IT'S OK

It's ok that I haven't gotten my nails in three months because I usually only have time for a pedicure.

It's ok that Holden only will let me put him to sleep.

It's ok that I only have time to make dinner using the crock pot.

It's ok that Holden doesn't sleep through the night every night.

It's ok that I'm make-up free on the days I won't see people I know.

It's ok that I haven't read a book in six months.

It's ok that when I'm exhausted I can no longer enjoy an afternoon of reality shows despite the fact that there are times that I long for those days.

It's ok that we don't want to put Holden in his crib yet (or ever).

It's ok that I don't like to leave Holden for more than an hour or two.

It's ok that I can count the number of times I have left Holden on one hand.

It's ok that some of my friends don't understand/can't relate what it's like to have a child.

It's ok that I rock Holden to sleep instead of putting him down drowsy, but awake.

It's ok that it sometimes takes a week to respond to emails.

It's ok that I can't really remember what drunk feels like.

It's ok that I love breastfeeding so much that I hate when Holden gets a bottle.

It's ok that I revolve my schedule completely around Holden and cancel plans if it doesn't work with his sleep schedule.

It's ok that Holden's longest naps happen in the baby carrier.

It's ok that when Holden goes to bed Dustin and I look through photos of him on our phones, cameras, and computers because we miss him.

It's ok that sometimes we keep Holden awake just so that we can spend more time with him.

Because these moments are fleeting in the grand scheme of things and this is what works for our little family.   Case in point:  Holden used to hate going to other people.  Even with grandparents, I would have to hold him or have him in my lap in order for them to play with him.  He is a momma's boy through and through (which of course I love).  But I realized just last week that I could leave the room and Holden would be completely content playing with my mom.  And today, he happily hung out and cuddled in the Gymboree teacher's (a stranger's) arms when she asked if she could hold him.  I'm glad that he is confident enough to go to other people and doesn't need me by his side at every second because as a painfully shy child myself, I want him to be outgoing so he doesn't struggle in certain social situations like I did, but if I'm completely honest, I secretly hate it.  I already miss him needing me so much.  So on days that are difficult, days that I'm exhausted, or days that someone tells me that I shouldn't be doing it that way, I remind myself that in a blink of an eye he won't be a baby anymore and I will miss all of these little moments.