LIVE IN THE SUNSHINE.

live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air. - ralph waldo emerson

having holden has made me think a lot about the type of life that i want for him. i really want him to be able to experience life.  i want him to be able to be a boy, to spend his days outside, to get dirty, to climb trees, be an explorer and an adventurer, to get creative and have the space to do all of this.

sometimes i dream about living on a farm, waking up each dawn to the sun rising in the sky, stepping out into the morning mist as my shoes catch the fresh dew, holden's tiny hand in mine, his feet moving twice as fast just to keep up with my stride, as we meet and feed all of our animals, holden living a slower life, one that's far removed from the hustle and bustle of a busy city...but then i'm not sure i could handle the slower pace of a farm life.

sometimes i dream about moving to another country (australia, new zealand, or denmark are at the top my list) even just if it's just for a year, taking a break from our normal lives and assimilating ourselves into another culture, holden becoming a multicultural, multilingual little boy...but then i realize i love california and i'm not sure i can take holden away from the friends and family that love him here.

sometimes i dream about living in the country, in a town that you could drive through within a total of 2 minutes, a blink of the eye and you will have missed it in a house with a vegetable garden out back and rolling hills of green all around (my grandparents house in pleasant point, new zealand comes to mind), a place where holden can be a real boy, where holden can be wild and free...but then i'm not sure i could live without the convenience of a big city and all of the child classes that holden attends.

sometimes i want to pack up our suitcases, jump on a plane, and just go, becoming modern day explorers, a nomadic family traversing the globe in search of adventure, holden learning more about the world by experiencing it himself...but then i'm not sure if we could leave home for so long.

so what will we choose?

ON THE MEND.

the little man is finally back to himself and i'm ever so grateful that he is out of his misery.  he still has a runny nose but the (somewhat eerie) stillness that has hung over him the past couple days has lifted and he is back to the boy i know, the boy thats on the go, moving in twenty different directions all at once.  unfortunately, now i am sick with bronchitis and i can't keep up.   i feel the need to call in sick, to be pampered, to curl up on the couch with some tea and watch reality tv show marathons for hours, but there are no sick days as a mama so i somehow muster up the energy to laugh, play, and be silly until the little man closes his eyes for the night and then suddenly, i've run out of steam, crashing on the couch in a heap of sniffles, coughs, and exhaustion.

SURVIVING A COLD.

a baby with a cold is a miserable baby.  helping holden feel better and recover as quickly as possible is my top priority right now.  these are some of the things in my arsenal at the moment that i am using to battle this cold.

1. run a humidifier all night // 2. clear out his nose with babyganics lets boogie nasal saline drops // 3. drop california baby cold and flu drops into the humidifier // 4. a get well balloon provides hours of entertainment // 5. cool his fevers with the owl cool calm press // 6. use california baby cold and flu bubble bath to soothe him before bed  // 7. coat his chest with nature's baby organics ah-choo chest rub  // 8. suck the boogies out with nosefrida // 9. clean and sanitize toys with dapple natural toy cleaner to prevent the infection spreading // 10. sleeping on the nap nanny allows him to easily rest at an incline 

EASTER WEEKEND.

1. duck wooden push toy // 2. handmade sock bunny // 3. perfect peacock puzzle // 4. baby legs // 

5. chewbeads cornelia bracelets // 6. kid-o bilibo // 7. boon swig sippy cup // 8. boon squirt spoon //

9. huggy bunny blanket // 10. dunck bath toys // 11. egg shaker

(inspiration photos from here.)

our easter didn't go as planned.  we missed the easter egg hunt, visit with the easter bunny, and easter pot luck with holden's baby friends.  while i envisioned photos of holden's first easter, his perfect easter outfit, pink and white bunny ears perched atop his head, pastel colored eggs caught in his tiny grasp, none of this happened.   we've had a cold outbreak ravaging our house this past week and we spent easter sunday laying in bed feeling miserable. i spent forever dreaming up the perfect easter basket, struggling to throw together a non-traditional basket that would work for a 7 month old, and i'm disappointed i wasn't able to pull it all together so i thought i'd share holden's virtual easter basket.

it all started with my awakening to a slightly sore throat last tuesday that morphed into a full-on, nasty cold by the weekend.  i thought that my breastmilk might save holden from infection (i was under the impression that breastfed babies never got sick), but it didn't and holden woke up from his afternoon nap on saturday burning up with a fever.  holden's first real cold. it's heartbreaking to watch him writhe and moan in pain, eyes red and watering, nose oozing and dripping, completely miserable and suffering.  all i want is to make him feel better, to take his pain away, but i can't so i hold him close against me, rock him back and forth, stroke his head, and whisper sweet nothings into his ear.   he needs me now more than ever before, not wanting me to leave his side even for a second, and i'm finding myself treasuring this newfound clingy-ness, appreciating his urgent demand for me to be beside him.  as i've laid him down each night, trying to stealthily steal away to eat my dinner and spend time with my husband, his small hands reach out in the darkness, latching onto a piece of my clothing and not letting go.  one hand cups my arm, the other tracing my face as he settles back into a peaceful slumber with the knowledge that i am by his side.  i've found myself relishing in his neediness these past few days, my wild child suddenly subdued enough to enjoy hours of cuddling and quiet time with mama.

DRESSING LIKE A MAMA.

mama wore: billabong dress (also worn during pregnancy), shawl c/o rvca (from a blog i wrote a few years ago), forever21 necklace; baby wore: hurley zip-up hoodie, h&m pants, trumpette "vans" socks

before holden, i thought having style meant wearing designer clothing.  i would spend hundreds of dollars on one item of clothing and end up having no money left over to actually style it.  then i got pregnant and i couldn't bring myself to spend hundreds of dollars on one item of clothing that i knew i would be wearing for small portion of a nine month time period.  i knew that i needed to create a wardrobe that could be worn during and after pregnancy instead of wasting my money on high-priced maternity clothing that i would billow and balloon around my small frame after little h arrived.  my pregnancy made me get creative with my style.  instead of blowing entire paychecks at neimans, bloomingdales, and small san francisco high-end boutiques, i perused the racks at marshalls, tjmaxx, loehmanns, thrift stores, h&m, and forever21, finding flowing maxi dresses, empire-waisted-tops, and stretchy leggings that fit snugly around my pregnant belly and now flatter my flat-again-post-pregnant belly.  i emphasized and accessorized my bump with belts, long necklaces, and comfortable wedged heels, a stark contrast from my pre-pregnancy self who would throw on designer jeans and a designer top and call myself fashionable because of the label on hanging on the back.  i loved my pregnant body and i've never felt more confident about the way i looked than in those nine months.  learning to style and dress my bump was really the start of finding my own style and feeling confident in my fashion choices.

now i'm learning how to style myself as a breastfeeding mama and there are a whole new set of rules.  can this necklace withstand holden's mighty grasp and tugging?  will this belt scratch holden's legs when i carry him?  can this neckline stretch enough so that i can breastfeed easily?  but i've learned that being creative with where you shop, the art of accessorizing, a bright lipstick, and a fun shoe can make all the difference.  i'm taking fashion risks that the non-mother in me would have been terrified to make and i'm stepping out of the constricted style box i made for myself years ago.  i am breaking my old routines like wearing nude lipstick and nothing else like i have for the past five years, feeling a sense of empowerment and self assuredness by the simple act of swiping a red stain across my lips.  who would have thought that having a baby could make you more fashionable?  dressing like a mother has a whole new meaning.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

yesterday was dustin's 27th birthday.  he had to work during the day, so we decided to celebrate it at home (part of being new parents i suppose) with a summer (err, spring) dinner bbq.  since we weren't going out, i wanted to do something special at home so i gave myself a smallish budget and set to work on a scotch and chocolate (two of his favorite things) mini dessert table.  i created a 27 out of cardboard boxes that i cut up, taped together, and wrapped in crepe paper.  the left over crepe paper was hung from the ceiling and i used wrapping paper to create the background behind the table.  i bought minis from bevmo and he got to taste four different types of scotch and rank them from most expensive to least expensive.  the table wasn't perfect (the perfectionist in me kind of died over this), but it was something fun for the two of us.

FLEA MARKET FINDS.

after a rainy saturday, the skies turned blue and we headed to the alameda flea market.  it was holden's first flea market.  we wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles for hours, window shopping and people watching, until our feet hurt and we couldn't walk another step.  the only thing i was dying to have was a beautiful retro sideboard that was being carted home by someone else when we walked in so we left with a metal H for holden's nursery and that's it.  when we got home we realized it was already holden's bedtime, but with the weather moderately warm, the sun still hanging high in the sky, and the three of us all together, we found it hard to part with our little man for the night and spent another hour trying to elude the inevitable.  we were infected by that school's out for summer vibe, possibly an automatic by-product of daylight savings.  you know that inescapable happy-go-lucky feeling reminding you of an era when you were young, wild, and carefree with no consequences and no boundaries.  we are having so much fun with holden.  we keep thinking that this is the best it can get, but it keeps getting better and better.